Talking to myself!!

I don't know why but even blogging has lost its charm for me...
It feels stupid to come here when i am too full of everything and to pour all frustrations here...
I am sick of never having a good thing, a good memory to share...

All i do is whine about life....

There was a time when Eraj Sahaab used to talk to herself... imagine a whole new world around her and live happily in it if she had any problems with the company provided in the real world...

Mom used to call me a retard.... She thought it was some mental illness that made me talk to myself...

MOM!! you were wrong...
See what have i done to myself after i started talking to humans....

I have nothing else to say right now, except for the fact that i remember it was hard to leave that habit of living in a world of characters imagined by me... But it kept me busy..

I had no time for boredom at least...

And now no matter how hard i try, i cannot make myself do all that again...

Maybe i have grown up..
Or just maybe i have lost another pleasure i had in life...

I miss being stupid.......
Because even though i am not a retard now, i still am mostly treated like one....

I miss all that i was....and hate all that i am now..

Knowing and understanding!!!

I just realized how many unfinished drafts i have got..... and its strange how i forgot about them...

Huh!! A post about Eid e qurban, a post about the first year of medicine, a post about exams, a post about i don't even know what???

It was such a stupid and busy day that i can't even think of studying anything now....

I don't know whats wrong with guests and assessments. They always come together.

Okay so the part above was written yesterday.... But i am so sick of discarding my incomplete posts that i am not going to give this one the same treatment...

Today was a little less bad than yesterday......

I did at least start studying.. Now thats a positive sign. :S

You can't end a journey unless you start it. So, i am on the road......

I need a jet but my speed is worse than a chinchi (bicycle rickshaw)....

Lets just say i am travelling on foot...

Yes, really that slow....

At least i am moving forward.

Okay... my thoughts are a little too jumbled up right now.....

I don't know anythinggg................

But, wait!!!

Isn't it the highest form of knowledge. Thats what our Respectable D said....

I wish every one good luck....

Ohh Almighty!! help our brains in memorizing and understanding itself......

Amen.

"There is a lot of difference between knowing a thing and understanding it"

Whoever said it.... its so true.

And never did i understand this so well as now when i read and read and read that neuroanatomy again and again and i think i know things, but i can never ever claim that i understand them.....

Cheers!!

wishing a happy, blessed life to everybody.

Good luck to all my class mates for the assessment..... :)

I am a total fool..........

Oh yes!!!..... trust me i am!!....

I keep on doing stuff i am not supposed to....

I just hate it....

Each and everything that is happening these days.... simply sucks...

I want to vanish from the surface of earth... i want to become invisible for sometime...

So that no one bothers me.

So that i can give myself sometime..

I need peace...

Internal peace that is.....

I want the volcano inside me to erupt once and relieve me of all my emotional turmoils....

Blank..........

I open my blog page almost everyday.... i even sometimes click on that "create new post" button and open that page in hopes that i might end up with something.

I have nothing to say to life....

I hate short posts........

I want to talk to myself like crazy....

I hate to say that but i feel like being in prison...

Its good the weekend is over...

I will be able to breath at least.....

I hope it turns out to be a good day tomorrow...

I hate when i disappoint people..

especially those dear to me...

Sorry to those who suffer only because of my stupid moods.... and because they were stupid enough to chose me as company.....

Life..........

I have no idea.... why and where and how its moving forward... But somehow it is!!

I don't even know why i came here.. Maybe because i was thinking from a few days thats its been quite a time since i vomited my frustrations out here...

I actually do that...

I think this blog which started as some sort of a personal online diary has now become a dustbin where i come once in a while when my brain is too full with stuff....and here i spit it all out...

All that i have to take in without an "ufff" and a "why"...

To be precise...

ALL the dirt (i typed another word which would have been more appropriate but thanks to Dr A, decided to censor it here for good) that life has been throwing at me of late...

2010 does not look very promising to be honest...

its not going the way i had it planned....

Nothing is right... and still you ask me how you are? And i will say Alhamdulillah! all fine.

Two days back, i had one of my worst nights ever....

It was so strangely different...

Its not that i never felt worried, upset or sad...

But it was surely the first ever time i actually felt BROKEN...

I thought and used to believe that nothing, NOTHING could ever break me...

But as a friend said, Yes! I am not as brave as i and they thought i was.

A few things went against me and my spirit broke like a house of cards....

I felt so terribly weak....

And i felt so terribly alone.... As if there is not a single person who gives a damn about me in this entire world...

I swear it was the worst possible feeling one can ever experience....

I want everything back. All that i lost, all that i am losing....

I want it back at any cost.

I can not afford anymore blows by fate....

Thanks N and F....Thanks B...

I am so thankful to you all. You made me feel much much better...

At least you helped me regain some of my lost strength....

Love you all...

I want your prayers...always...

Wish everyone a very good luck for life...

Another one to spoil the day!!!

Yeah!

Another one...

Its not a news anymore...

A blast again... a suicide blast for that!!!

I don't know how and when, if ever, will this all end......

This time its neither peshawar nor sawat!!

It's The Capital city.... the peaceful once islamabad!!...

I was having a good time and suddenly a message telling me to check news.... as my friend was concerned for her mom being out for a place near the site of blast....

May everybody be safe and sound....

And i hope it ends for everybody's sake!

All those who brain wash 17 year olds for their mean purposes are doomed to burn in hell....

Tere Bina.........

i have no idea why but i want to keep listening to this..... for as long as i can...

it sort of has its effect directly and deeply on the soul......

Love it like anything.............

And nidz!!!! thanks for reviving my love for such a beloved song after quite a long time... :)

it helps me to bear the worst trials at time.... :)

Tere bina zindagi se koi.........shikwa to nahi

shikwa nahi

Tere bina zindagi bhe lekin.... zindagi to nahi

zindagi nahi