Talking to myself!!

I don't know why but even blogging has lost its charm for me...
It feels stupid to come here when i am too full of everything and to pour all frustrations here...
I am sick of never having a good thing, a good memory to share...

All i do is whine about life....

There was a time when Eraj Sahaab used to talk to herself... imagine a whole new world around her and live happily in it if she had any problems with the company provided in the real world...

Mom used to call me a retard.... She thought it was some mental illness that made me talk to myself...

MOM!! you were wrong...
See what have i done to myself after i started talking to humans....

I have nothing else to say right now, except for the fact that i remember it was hard to leave that habit of living in a world of characters imagined by me... But it kept me busy..

I had no time for boredom at least...

And now no matter how hard i try, i cannot make myself do all that again...

Maybe i have grown up..
Or just maybe i have lost another pleasure i had in life...

I miss being stupid.......
Because even though i am not a retard now, i still am mostly treated like one....

I miss all that i was....and hate all that i am now..

Knowing and understanding!!!

I just realized how many unfinished drafts i have got..... and its strange how i forgot about them...

Huh!! A post about Eid e qurban, a post about the first year of medicine, a post about exams, a post about i don't even know what???

It was such a stupid and busy day that i can't even think of studying anything now....

I don't know whats wrong with guests and assessments. They always come together.

Okay so the part above was written yesterday.... But i am so sick of discarding my incomplete posts that i am not going to give this one the same treatment...

Today was a little less bad than yesterday......

I did at least start studying.. Now thats a positive sign. :S

You can't end a journey unless you start it. So, i am on the road......

I need a jet but my speed is worse than a chinchi (bicycle rickshaw)....

Lets just say i am travelling on foot...

Yes, really that slow....

At least i am moving forward.

Okay... my thoughts are a little too jumbled up right now.....

I don't know anythinggg................

But, wait!!!

Isn't it the highest form of knowledge. Thats what our Respectable D said....

I wish every one good luck....

Ohh Almighty!! help our brains in memorizing and understanding itself......

Amen.

"There is a lot of difference between knowing a thing and understanding it"

Whoever said it.... its so true.

And never did i understand this so well as now when i read and read and read that neuroanatomy again and again and i think i know things, but i can never ever claim that i understand them.....

Cheers!!

wishing a happy, blessed life to everybody.

Good luck to all my class mates for the assessment..... :)

I am a total fool..........

Oh yes!!!..... trust me i am!!....

I keep on doing stuff i am not supposed to....

I just hate it....

Each and everything that is happening these days.... simply sucks...

I want to vanish from the surface of earth... i want to become invisible for sometime...

So that no one bothers me.

So that i can give myself sometime..

I need peace...

Internal peace that is.....

I want the volcano inside me to erupt once and relieve me of all my emotional turmoils....

Blank..........

I open my blog page almost everyday.... i even sometimes click on that "create new post" button and open that page in hopes that i might end up with something.

I have nothing to say to life....

I hate short posts........

I want to talk to myself like crazy....

I hate to say that but i feel like being in prison...

Its good the weekend is over...

I will be able to breath at least.....

I hope it turns out to be a good day tomorrow...

I hate when i disappoint people..

especially those dear to me...

Sorry to those who suffer only because of my stupid moods.... and because they were stupid enough to chose me as company.....

Life..........

I have no idea.... why and where and how its moving forward... But somehow it is!!

I don't even know why i came here.. Maybe because i was thinking from a few days thats its been quite a time since i vomited my frustrations out here...

I actually do that...

I think this blog which started as some sort of a personal online diary has now become a dustbin where i come once in a while when my brain is too full with stuff....and here i spit it all out...

All that i have to take in without an "ufff" and a "why"...

To be precise...

ALL the dirt (i typed another word which would have been more appropriate but thanks to Dr A, decided to censor it here for good) that life has been throwing at me of late...

2010 does not look very promising to be honest...

its not going the way i had it planned....

Nothing is right... and still you ask me how you are? And i will say Alhamdulillah! all fine.

Two days back, i had one of my worst nights ever....

It was so strangely different...

Its not that i never felt worried, upset or sad...

But it was surely the first ever time i actually felt BROKEN...

I thought and used to believe that nothing, NOTHING could ever break me...

But as a friend said, Yes! I am not as brave as i and they thought i was.

A few things went against me and my spirit broke like a house of cards....

I felt so terribly weak....

And i felt so terribly alone.... As if there is not a single person who gives a damn about me in this entire world...

I swear it was the worst possible feeling one can ever experience....

I want everything back. All that i lost, all that i am losing....

I want it back at any cost.

I can not afford anymore blows by fate....

Thanks N and F....Thanks B...

I am so thankful to you all. You made me feel much much better...

At least you helped me regain some of my lost strength....

Love you all...

I want your prayers...always...

Wish everyone a very good luck for life...

Eid And MEHNDI!!!!....

Eid is incomplete without mehndi....... but this time it was so busy that i got time for it when eid was almost over.........

will be back with a detailed post on why it was busy later!!!!

For now, EID MUBARAK to everybody ;)

(belated though)

BACK TO BLOGGING!!!

The title in itself is enough to signify that i had been away from this for quite a time now...

My fingers yearned for this freedom to go on as they wished.....

But there were many hurdles.......MANY... n Big ones for that!!

Well, had to prepare for PROFFS...(1st professional exam part 1)..

Although now i think it was in vain....

Especially, considering the great performance I gave in them after whole night study marathons (with more nervous texting and less study)...

Anyways, we got those vacations... the treat after the nightmare of proff we had been waiting for since our session started...

The VAILA time to be exact.....

i slept and slept which is the best you can do if you have nothing else at hands...

Then, quite a long trip to my village..... unexpectedly long....

And then, after all this i finally came back home...

still could not convince myself to blog because...

I thought this looong neglected blog actually needed something great to start up with...

I tried to invent something great but since even after twisting my imagination to every angle possible, putting as much strain as my nerves could endure and trying to pen down something classic and resulting in lots of wasted paper and ink... i decided in favour of going random for a start :) (pretty much the same i always do)

So, here i am...

typing whatever goes straight from my mind to my fingers... :S

Hows life??

The biggest question whenever i come to blogging....

Its good.

I know "good" is a very non descriptive term in itself...

It tells you nothing...

There is always room for improvement... to make it BEST and always a reason for gratitude because at least its not the WORST......

Its not busy...

which gives me plenty of time to fret about stuff to which i should have never given a second thought..

And it gives me time to have some fun filled moments which i would not have probably enjoyed otherwise.....

Yesterday was a shocker....

I woke up with a surprise..... Very unexpected though

It made me feel no better than i was before....

The day passed somehow... they always do...

Nothing stops the sun from rising and setting at its fixed time.....

I had two bad cuts on my left hand, and that is the reason i am typing with just one hand right now... (Telling this although any body reading this will not be the least concerned how i typed this)

Well, it was painful, it hurted ....

BUT... It was nothing compared to some other pains which maybe can never be explained!!

I did not mention the worst part but the cause of it knows how to make it better... so i leave that on Hope...

And the best part is that never ending Hope..... which makes me go on every time life pushes me backwards....

Since, my brain is still shooting jumbled thoughts with no particular direction.... I will leave the rest for some other time...!!

But, i will be coming more often now that i have started it again...

Wishing everybody the best life can possibly offer... Stay blessed! (Amen)

My Obsessions!!

I have been tagged and awarded this FABULOUS BLOGGER award by Closed Eyes....

It came on as a pleasant surprise...

This being my first award ever!!

Anyways...Thanks a lot dear.

RULES OF THE AWARD:-

* List 5 obsessions
* Pass the award to 5 other blogs, with their links
* Make sure you leave a comment on their blog, so they know about it
* Link to the person that gave you the award.

So, here i go with my OBSESSIONS:-

I am pretty much obsessed with everything in my life. I am the extremist sort of person....

Either i hate a thing or i am obsessed with it....

So, among all the things i am obsessed with... which are the ones that top the list??

1) DAWN...

I am in love with that time of day. I am simply crazy after them. Its a real shame that i miss many dawns deep in slumber. But, whenever i wake up in time not to miss them, I just have to get out of my bed, get out of my room... and let it come out.

Yeah!! I am in love with the sight of the rising sun spreading the sunshine, wiping away darkness, taking deep breaths in the fresh morning air.

2) BLOGGING.....

Well, it was writing first. I just loved writing in general. The blogging started just as a hobby and grew into an obsession. Although my routine (Hell! It doesnt mean i study a lot, it only means i just have to exaggerate) doesnot allow me regular updates over here, and many a thoughts which come to my mind do waste without ever being posted. But still, i just am obsessed with my blog. I want it to look good, i want it to have quality stuff (which so far i have failed in producing). I think about it when its ignored for more than a couple of days as if its a very important part of my life. Indeed, it is.

3)ICE-CREAM...

Time to shake off the philosophies and come to the real ME... Hahaha

Yeah! I love them to the extent that it had become an obsession. Its the only thing which makes me ZIDDI (as far as food is concerned). It is something i miss dearly if i don't have it every now and then. (It doesnt imply that i cant digest food without a doze of it daily). AND any celebration of mine is considered incomplete without it.

4) MY CELL PHONE:-

Hmmmm, yes it has become an obsession. Maybe because its my only 24/7 link with some of the most important people in my life. But it somehow is very very important for me. I cant part from it for long. It makes me feel i am missing something hell badly.

5) MY BUDDIES:-

YEAH!!

N and F.......

Ohhh! I never thought these idiots will become so much of a neccessity for me. I was a loner by birth. I didnt really mind staying alone, but spending like one hour without you two is so tough now. I mean i never gave importance to people. I KNEW they hurt in the end. But somehow, without my ever knowing.... You people took a very special place.

I hated the past few years of my life. I am able to forget about them now, and it probably is because of you.

(Bus, bohat hogaya. Aur tareef ki to aur phool jaogey dono :P)

I tag and award Sidra, CRD, Leela, Divsi and иidhi S.

Old memories!!

Life is good and funny these days....

Good- because i had fun in the past few days.

Funny- because i keep worrying about studies but never do it :)

Well... WT and I went to F 7/2 after quite a loooong time.

It was the same... :)

Our old college....

Nothing changed there....

The same old gatekeeper with his interrogative nature, the same old waiting room with hardly functioning fans, the same old classrooms, the same old funny stools in the labs, the same old students (fools) and the SAME old lazy staff...........

We had the Samosa's from our pathetic cafetaria, which this time surprisingly was not cold.. :)

And they had a strange taste...

As if it had all our lost memories in it....

I hated my Fsc period like anything...

I couldnt come to terms with anything....

But now, going after a long time to the place i often thought i had the worst time in, made me realise that i do miss it.

Yeah, somehow, i do miss the time i had spent there.

The bunking of classes, only to talk to WT for long hours, the stupid graphic designing competition we participated in, the corridors in which we braced the severe colds...., the sweaty summers!!

It had its own charm, or maybe we humans always love our past.

Atleast i always think the time that had past, was the best...

never satisfied with the present.

Or maybe its just the PROFF which makes me think of going back to that college...

Huh!!

One thing... I wont ever forget you for not letting us in again Mr gatekeeper....

Whoa...we are not the students in uniform anymore, we could come and go and come again whenever we like.

So idiotic of you......!!!!

And the first years....

Awww, they had their orientation ceremony that day..... :)

Hahaha.....

fools unaware of what they are getting themselves into....

They were all so enthusiastic, exactly the way we were once.

Funny, how they were searching for their respective classes :P

Goodluck everybody in F 7/2....

*peace*

Vacations!!! and the upcoming....

We wanted them so badly....

Oh!! yuppee we did.

We used to fill that stupid, idiotic feedback form again and again with one comment.... "We desperately need a module break, and the stuff we are taught is too much".

If we had SGD's we wanted lectures... If we had too many lectures, they were so boring and made us sleep...so SGD's were so much the better.

Six months!!

More than that...and we still were unable to decide what were we happy with...

Every module had greater pace than the previous... Lesser days, much more to do!!

And the most disinterested WE..

Ooops sorry to the people who kept themselves drowned in books...

I meant... The most disinterested ME.....

And after the scary GIT (gastrointestinal module), we said goodbyes.

Never mind the remedials in between.

I atleast didnt bother myself by studying for them.. :P

So, after so much of CRAP...

WE got that so badly needed BREAK!!...

Which is almost over....spent hibernating like a bear!!

(Do they hibernate?? :S)

Anyway... they do sleep a lot or thats the impression i have got....

Hahaha... So many plans...and no implementation!

Thats why i hate planning...

Whats the use of it??

Ahh!! I will study...cover all the things left... (Typical of the lazy students who sleep during the REAL TIME )

Now...its COUNTDOWN TIME...

9 days to go before we find ourselves again in those classes lost in AIR.

If this time my cousin decides to get married during KUB...she is so dead!!

You can wait till November idiot! (Sorry aapi).

And...the more i think i need to relax.. The more i see infront of my eyes one monstrous...-the PROFF EXAMS...

Oh! God i forgot they will come too.

1 and a half month of study and the session would be officially over...

(Scary)

JAL TO JALAL TO AYI BALA KO TAAL TU!!

About vacations:-

Good part: i slept and slept and slept for as long as i wanted and now can endure sleepless nights of study...(IF my mood allows that is)

Bad part: I couldnt visit my friend... :( and khala :(

(because of so many issues)

"Get a life Eraj... this blogpost is definitely the craziest of all. "

The eternal dissatisfaction!!

I sometimes wonder....what material we humans are made off...
we get and get and get.....but still we stay thankless.....
Okay...fine!!
We do go through the so-called bad times..... but then, why do we forget to cheer up for the little good things that happen to us....

Have you people ever seen a beggar smile?
People who live below the poverty limit.....?
I have.... and they have such truth to their smiles sometimes...that their smiles overshadow the fake laughs of the millionaires of this world.....

I, myself, am the most thankless person of the whole world....
and here...i do acknowledge the fact that i have gotten a lot more than i deserve from life...so far.....

What i have actually noticed is the more you get, the more you want!!
The lesser you have, the better you know its worth.....

I don't know why but words are not enough to mention the height of my displeasure...
when i see a whole crowd of people happy (even if its on something really stupid) being interrupted by a person who whines about what bad life we have...and how worse everything really is....and why we shouldn't be too excited about it...and bla bla bla...

If someone ain't interested in being happy or is unaware of the art of enjoying the small joys that life offers....he better should keep his dissatisfaction to himself....
why depress the whole world.....

God help those who don't know how to stay happy....and
MAY WE ALL LIVE IN PEACE!!!

Random thoughts!!!

Yeah i know....
people would say...
this girl opens her blog whenever she has some exam coming up and then whines about the tough time she is having, the bad results she gets and everything that goes against her....

But then people.....
can't you see???
It's my life???
so i will live it my way :P

Enough of this stupid attitude....

the CVS (cardiovascular) went away before it started...
and respiratory...
did we really start it??
Well. even if we didn't....
Its over....
we have an assessment on the coming Monday and Tuesday....
and people are definitely studying...
not updating there blogs like me....

Well i tried...but realized there is a little bit too much to do...and as i was confused...i thought it would be better if i relax myself first :)

So, here i am....

It's strange how we change with the course of time....
how the way we think changes....
few incidents in life are imprinted in our minds forever...

I have been planning to write about so many things....but lack of time always stops me from doing so...
many things which i want to share just waste away....because by the time i open up this blog....
the event which had triggered the thought is long gone...
so many things happen so rapidly...that i get no time to record them....

and i hate when this happens...when i get no time to rethink about the way i am living my life....

I am missing many people these days...
many friends are lost.....
lost probably in their own busy lives....

times come when i feel i am the most lonely person in this whole world....
but i know...whenever i get this feeling....
something happens to remind me that i am valued.....
that i am thought about....

Its strange..how i thought when I'll start my studies at Shifa, i would never miss my past time...but i do...
i miss u aini???
where have you been all this time???
Its been long time you called?
Please do so?
because i am missing you these days....missing you badly....

People would ask why cant this girl call her self??
well, well, well
i can, but i won't.....
i want you to call my girl...to know that you miss me too....

Are you loving the life in Greece so much so that you forgot this poor little friend here???

And jia???
you live just a sector away....
but whats wrong girl?
why are we just having two text messages per week of talk??
Too busy?? right?
Will see you later on....

And Razi....
you promised we are meeting in June...so if we don't...ill kill you
curse your sessionals and every stupid semester exam you have....

And A.f
i know we have misunderstandings, i know we fight....
but i try my best not to annoy you....and you know what....
when i fail to do so.....it hurts me big time....
because i start thinking there is something genetically wrong with me which i can't correct...
someday ill make you really really happy.....

AND H....
I am really sorry...i couldn't console you when you really needed me...
death is an issue i really am bad at dealing with....
my vocabulary gets lost.....
i am sorry for uncle.....May he rest in peace......
and wish you good luck with life....
you told me you prayed for something you badly want in life this Friday?
you said you cried while praying....
I pray that you get whatever you want... (Amen)

and RB....
thanks for your compliment yar....
it was such a big one for me :)
i hope i don't disappoint you in the end!
and remember your promise about being the proofreader of my first book :P (if it ever comes out)


and Saadi Api....
I feel so sorry for not being able to attend your wedding....
i will regret it forever...
but then...can't miss a modular assessment :(
(huh! here it comes again)

and mom and dad....
sorry for my mood swings these days.....
i will make you proud someday.....
but dad please...try and understand i am not a machine...
i can't endure any additional courses with MBBS at least...
i hope you understand.....


this now has started to look like a note full of sorries!!! :-S

i don't know why these days i miss you a lot mamu.....
why you left us so very early??
i wanted you to be with us now....
But thats what Allah wanted probably...
you are seeing us from above...right?
I miss you.....

I missed IPL :(
i just watched the final of the RBS 20/20....
but i have decided i won't miss a single match of the T20 World cup.... :)


and i hate being out of touch with news....
curse the people who spread fear in our country....
all the terrorists should be locked in jail and that jail should be sent to some other planet where they die without anyone to cry for them......

Nidz, FI....
thanks people for being there :)
i guess we are getting along well with each other....and i so hope that it goes like this forever
love you....

ZT, YI....
girls we don't see much of each other these days..... (probably because i hate library)
anyways.....
i hope we stay friends and good ones for that :)
(i mean friends forever).......

I wish all my class goodluck for this module....
and a very very goodluck to me too :)

and yeah...summers are here...
i am so looking forward to the monsoon rains....despite the fact that it would be very humid and sweaty..
i love rain..... :)

Anyways....goodluck with life....
i can keep on typing but then...

the longer the post...the fewer the people to read it....
so......
me going off for a while....
may i have some peace in life :)

Locomoter is over :D

Oh!!
Finally...
two torturous months of daily dissections, stinking formalin filled dissection hall and...
and...... those useless formative assessments (such thankless people are we?? it actually helped for SEQ's)..

The final assessment was the nightmare...
but as i said
at least its over...

Ufff...
so many muscles...and crazy nerves and blood vessels running through our limbs bifurcating wherever they want to....
And to top it all...

The scil sessions...
examination...motor power...
how many degrees for supination.... and how many for pronation?
and so on and on and on....

IPE....
You go blank...all muscles and nerves look like ghosts haunting you...
is this soleus?
or sartorious?
or maybe...some adductor?

is this a tendon?
a nerve or a damned artery...

if its this?
whats its name...
and if you figure that out....
Oh God! you are even supposed to tell what this damned thing does...
(i almost wrote...its function is to drive me crazy)

Its not that i am dumb...its just that the stuff was a bit too much....
a little more time...
and maybe (i say maybe)...i would have done better....
Anyways....
goodluck with cardiovascular now...
i hope its better....
atleast ...we wont have a dissection everyday...

All these complaints....and i say
its my choice...

i chose it....and i love whatever it is.. :)

Welcome, welcome, welcome....Over atlast!!

Its been weeks we have done nothing but discuss this one stupid to-be event.....
Confusions....about who is coming and who is not?
Why he is coming? and why she is not?
What am i going to wear?
what about others?
will we enjoy it or will it be as boring as a biochemistry class?
When will it start and will it end in time?
and so on and on and on....

until it actually came

I was unsure about my attendance till the very last moment....
but then...
i didn't miss it....(fortune or misfortune i am not sure)

It started in a pretty aweful manner...
i thought i was running late... but it turned out that i was the most punctual among the lot....
i reached there first....
saw here and there for some colours (thats where you find girls)...
but all i could see was people in black (the host guys wandering around the buses)....

Finally, when i located the only gate which was open and entered pretty oddly (all dressed up like fools and that too in a hospital)...
people started coming...

First ZH, then NS.....
we both roamed here and there until the people in black called us to come towards the buses...
we went there....
got our names ticked as if we were nursery kids going for a trip to Japanese park....
we were allowed to sit in the buses...
once in there....
we started contacting one fool who was still on her way...
who else could it be...???
other than our very own...late princess-FI....

She usually is a late comer..maybe she likes a great entrance...
always asking me to save a seat (poor FI)...
she has a long way to cover everyday for college...

So, once there..
she didn't knew which gate to enter from...which bus to get in....and so on...
once inside the bus...she finally settled...

NS was busy in photography...and she kept on being busy until her camera betrayed her... (awww poor she)....
FI wanted to be in every pic...and she also wanted every pic to be awesome...
so we took a lot of pics...
and then... the crap started...
the hosts took over...
we sat in the most uncomfortable postures possible....on those pillows....(The only thing probably going in accordance with the theme..)

In between a lot of technical problems (Thanks to the dis-organizers)...
we saw some stupid videos...
and laughed as much as we could (given that we were the proud subjects of that mockery)..

People got titles... (what and why are questions beyond this blog's scope)
They were ridiculous, they were mean and they were rude (Many if not all)...

But our hosts were kind enough to tell us in the end...that they didn't actually mean all that Bakwas (another word starting with a B would be much more suitable)....

Dinner announced after some eardrum-tearing-apart sort of music......(some tits and bits had some melody though)...
we ate....(without forks which was quite uncomfortable)...

We saw the blasting fireworks (they made us actually stand up from our seats to see that)
maybe they thought it was olympic standard...(how much big can people think about themselves???)

Atlast it was time to leave....
so we did so...
from buses...we came to college....
singing loudly (any stupid loud song we could think of)...

after reaching college...we said goodbyes....
H was there waiting....(thnx to him..he came so late to pick me up and that too in response to one message)...
reached home sound and safe....
happy too...
despite the hardwork our hosts had put into in order to spoil our evening....
any time with friends is quality time..
so i had fun...
i hope everybody enjoyed.....
and despite all my sarcasm... (some part of it made us laugh a lot)...

so....
Its over!!
thats it...
now comes the bad part....
locomoter's final assesment.... :D (this monday)...
so goodluck to me :)

Assesment, Assesment, Assement!! Will it ever end??

When will we have some peace in life?
When will we sleep without the terror of tomorrow's SGD (small group discussion)??
When will the confusion of origins and insertions of muscles clear?
When will our nostrils get used to that stinking formalin??
When will we decide on our own (without texting atleast a dozen friends) what to read and where to read it from??

Wanted to post something good but....
cant think of anything.
The political situation is not even worth my time.
Duh!!... roads blocked. You can't go here, someone can't come here...
wow....amazing..
You get holidays when you cannot enjoy them!!
And then thanks to Dr A (the cute one) we are constantly giving assessments and that too without any preparation.

The locomoter module is almost over ...
ya ya...
i know you people are thinking that there are still three weeks to go...
The point is when 5 weeks passed without our even noticing...what are these three weeks...

Pata bhe nahi chalega!!

Anyways...
peace is something we all are searching...
We will get it one day...
Atleast i wont quit hoping......

(Ooops! this hope part was for the political situation.
There is no hope as far as the medical part of my life is concerned. :P
Thanks to so many muscles that we have in our body. :D)

Ufffff!
Anatomy. stinking dissection halls, boring lectures on stupid bones!!
This is what we call LOCOMOTER'S MODULE.

When we are bored to the extent of falling off(thanks to the bony landmarks) from those crazy stools, we realize the actual stuff has just started. We tolerate the attachments and nerve supply and the only thought we have is home and a good lunch. But no!!!!

We still have an interactive session in which we are told how dumb we are (if we cannot remember something we were told just 10 minutes back). We try our best to see through the notes (illegible) we had made while attending the lectures and rarely give some answer to any questions asked. Sometimes we are so lost that we locate our facilitator when half the session is over (lucky we).

Tired as hell, we get out of that hall telling ourselves again and again.
WE CHOSE IT OURSELF, WE CHOSE IT OURSELF!!! :)

A rainy, funny day!!

I am late for recording this online, but then, had no time to do so before now.
This is what you call a medical student's life!!
Blogging about an event almost a week late. :)]

It was a light drizzle and a winter morning.
And i had to go to college thinking what a way to spoil such a beautiful day!
It turned out to be good one.
We were free for quite long (the so-called Self Directed Learning session was on). So, decided to have something to fill our ever demanding tummies.
Strange but the college's air is an appetizer for us. We always end up eating a lot. At least Z.T and I are known for that. :)
But as we were already bored of the stuff offered by the Tuck shop, we postponed the plan for a while. (Much to my and Z.T's dismay).
So, Nida was the one who suggested going out and checking that aiwaan-e-urdu, near our college.
On our way, we encountered a chaat waala.....
And as expected, our salivary glands were activated in no time.

The chaaat wala turned out to be a dahi bhalley wala. :)
We decided to give it a try and to assist the cause, it started raining a little heavier.
How could we go back, such determined girls.
We ordered the dahi bhalla's.
Ate them......while it was raining...
Our white coats getting wetter by rain :)
The only shelter was a stupid khokha type shop. We stood under its shade, which was no protection from the rain.
Done with satisfying our tummies, we went back, laughing.
Everyone passing by on the road stared as if we were insane.
But who cares about people when you are with friends and having fun. :)
Atleast we dont!!
Laughing stupidly without any reason we came back to the college so that we could start worrying about DNA, start staring at Lippincott's biochemistry without any comprehension and start asking each other questions trying to be as stupid as we could possibly be.

IT was one of those days which brings a huge 32 teeth-exposing-smile whenever you think about it....
I would always cherish it.

Lost in questions!!!

People come in life and then go. They never think, what memories they leave behind.
I remember my blog post about

The misery of missing......

I still remember the mental agony i was going through when i wrote this all.

I was the same at that time, i am the same now.
I was a mystery then, i am a mystery now.
I sometimes wonder why am i so tough to understand??
Why i fail to get the message through to the other end or why am i always misunderstood every time?
And why saying bye is so painful for me when it is a normal thing for others?
And why i am the same little girl from within who used to hide herself in a blanket whenever times were rough and she wanted to cry?
Why i cry for people who will never know about any single tear which was shed for them?
Why am i so truthful that it leads to annoying people special for me?
And why i shed tears for those who give a damn about me?
Why i forgive people whenever they return?
Why cannot i say to people to go to hell?
Why i cannot forget them??

So many whys and no answers :(
I hate whenever i am left in this state!!!

My problem!!!

"You say whatever you mean and mean whatever you say!!!"

A very reliable friend told me this in response to my question regarding the plus and minus points about me.
Its such a confusing statement.
But i guess it is true.
I don't know how its a plus point and how is it a bad one.
I'll have to find it out.

Crazy fights!!!

Even as a kid i always hated fights. But then childhood fights with friends, with cousins etc were fun actually. We fought on petty issues and then tried to ignore each other. Not more than five minutes would have passed and we even forgot the reason we were fighting for. Just a smile, a hug and everything returned to normal. Even a stupid sorry mended everything. As we vowed never to fight again, we were naive enough to believe it.

With progression of age, the nature of fights changes. One would think that maturity would result in lesser fights, more understanding and stronger bonds. But unfortunately that is not the case. I always wondered why adults fought so badly. I thought they were not as silly as kids and they should try to reason everything out instead of fighting uselessly. That was what they told us to do.

Now, i have realised its easier said than done.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we fail to avoid them.

I have never been good at fighting (except with mom).

And due to some unknown reason, i still thought they are not that serious. That just a smile, a hug or even a stupid sorry would mend everything.

I was in for a big shock. I was wrong.

They are damn serious now.

They go on and on and on for days, weeks, years and even for the whole lifetime.

And even for a while, if we decide its better to forget them and move on, at some stage in life they are bound to come back.

Adults are usually proud of their sharp memories and they will never hesitate from bringing up a twenty year old comment/event to prove there point or to prove the other person wrong.
I thought clearing a confusion once was enough but no. Every time you do something wrong even unintentionally you have to give answers for every little doing of yours even if that particular 'doing' was done many many years ago.
I hate giving explanations for my every act. But to save a friendship, a relationship i would do everything that i hate.
Because relationships and life for me is one big COMPROMISE.
I thought friendship was all about understanding.
It was all about listening to the unsaid, seeing the invisible, understanding the unexplained.
All my life, i have been making excuses for my friends.
If this thing happened, i must have done atleast something wrong. If someone said this, there must be some reason for it and so on.
I am sick of making excuses.
My friends told me that i am very sweet, very understanding and forgiving.
I am sick of all what i am.

I cannot forget people, i cannot ignore people, i cannot exclude people from my life.
I cannot say bye to friends. Because i always want hope to be there.
No one can understand what i feel when a friend who had said bye (forever) comes back to me and tells me that i am important, that i was missed. I never say goodbye because i never want to. No matter how big the dispute is, the person itself is still more important.

I so wish that people who claim to be my friends will try (only try) to understand me.

"KANTON SE DIL LGAO JO TA-UMR REH SAKEN

PHOLON KA KIA JO SAANS KI GARMI NA SEH SAKEN"