A rainy, funny day!!

I am late for recording this online, but then, had no time to do so before now.
This is what you call a medical student's life!!
Blogging about an event almost a week late. :)]

It was a light drizzle and a winter morning.
And i had to go to college thinking what a way to spoil such a beautiful day!
It turned out to be good one.
We were free for quite long (the so-called Self Directed Learning session was on). So, decided to have something to fill our ever demanding tummies.
Strange but the college's air is an appetizer for us. We always end up eating a lot. At least Z.T and I are known for that. :)
But as we were already bored of the stuff offered by the Tuck shop, we postponed the plan for a while. (Much to my and Z.T's dismay).
So, Nida was the one who suggested going out and checking that aiwaan-e-urdu, near our college.
On our way, we encountered a chaat waala.....
And as expected, our salivary glands were activated in no time.

The chaaat wala turned out to be a dahi bhalley wala. :)
We decided to give it a try and to assist the cause, it started raining a little heavier.
How could we go back, such determined girls.
We ordered the dahi bhalla's.
Ate them......while it was raining...
Our white coats getting wetter by rain :)
The only shelter was a stupid khokha type shop. We stood under its shade, which was no protection from the rain.
Done with satisfying our tummies, we went back, laughing.
Everyone passing by on the road stared as if we were insane.
But who cares about people when you are with friends and having fun. :)
Atleast we dont!!
Laughing stupidly without any reason we came back to the college so that we could start worrying about DNA, start staring at Lippincott's biochemistry without any comprehension and start asking each other questions trying to be as stupid as we could possibly be.

IT was one of those days which brings a huge 32 teeth-exposing-smile whenever you think about it....
I would always cherish it.

Lost in questions!!!

People come in life and then go. They never think, what memories they leave behind.
I remember my blog post about

The misery of missing......

I still remember the mental agony i was going through when i wrote this all.

I was the same at that time, i am the same now.
I was a mystery then, i am a mystery now.
I sometimes wonder why am i so tough to understand??
Why i fail to get the message through to the other end or why am i always misunderstood every time?
And why saying bye is so painful for me when it is a normal thing for others?
And why i am the same little girl from within who used to hide herself in a blanket whenever times were rough and she wanted to cry?
Why i cry for people who will never know about any single tear which was shed for them?
Why am i so truthful that it leads to annoying people special for me?
And why i shed tears for those who give a damn about me?
Why i forgive people whenever they return?
Why cannot i say to people to go to hell?
Why i cannot forget them??

So many whys and no answers :(
I hate whenever i am left in this state!!!

One word describing me!!

Just gave a personality test on facebook about one word that describes me. This is what i got!!!

"Sanguine
This is the word that best describes you! The dictionary meaning of the adjective sanguine' is cheerfully optimistic! You are usually happy and manage to turn most negative situations into positive ones. Your happy-go-lucky, impulsive and adventurous personality makes you fun to be around although some people mistake your self-confidence for arrogance. Your sanguine disposition will help your life be a happy one; just be wary of dreaming about castles in the sky and forgetting to focus on reality."

People do say all this is stupid, fraud etc.
But surprisingly this result describes me quite accurately.
Strange!!! :)

My problem!!!

"You say whatever you mean and mean whatever you say!!!"

A very reliable friend told me this in response to my question regarding the plus and minus points about me.
Its such a confusing statement.
But i guess it is true.
I don't know how its a plus point and how is it a bad one.
I'll have to find it out.

Crazy fights!!!

Even as a kid i always hated fights. But then childhood fights with friends, with cousins etc were fun actually. We fought on petty issues and then tried to ignore each other. Not more than five minutes would have passed and we even forgot the reason we were fighting for. Just a smile, a hug and everything returned to normal. Even a stupid sorry mended everything. As we vowed never to fight again, we were naive enough to believe it.

With progression of age, the nature of fights changes. One would think that maturity would result in lesser fights, more understanding and stronger bonds. But unfortunately that is not the case. I always wondered why adults fought so badly. I thought they were not as silly as kids and they should try to reason everything out instead of fighting uselessly. That was what they told us to do.

Now, i have realised its easier said than done.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we fail to avoid them.

I have never been good at fighting (except with mom).

And due to some unknown reason, i still thought they are not that serious. That just a smile, a hug or even a stupid sorry would mend everything.

I was in for a big shock. I was wrong.

They are damn serious now.

They go on and on and on for days, weeks, years and even for the whole lifetime.

And even for a while, if we decide its better to forget them and move on, at some stage in life they are bound to come back.

Adults are usually proud of their sharp memories and they will never hesitate from bringing up a twenty year old comment/event to prove there point or to prove the other person wrong.
I thought clearing a confusion once was enough but no. Every time you do something wrong even unintentionally you have to give answers for every little doing of yours even if that particular 'doing' was done many many years ago.
I hate giving explanations for my every act. But to save a friendship, a relationship i would do everything that i hate.
Because relationships and life for me is one big COMPROMISE.
I thought friendship was all about understanding.
It was all about listening to the unsaid, seeing the invisible, understanding the unexplained.
All my life, i have been making excuses for my friends.
If this thing happened, i must have done atleast something wrong. If someone said this, there must be some reason for it and so on.
I am sick of making excuses.
My friends told me that i am very sweet, very understanding and forgiving.
I am sick of all what i am.

I cannot forget people, i cannot ignore people, i cannot exclude people from my life.
I cannot say bye to friends. Because i always want hope to be there.
No one can understand what i feel when a friend who had said bye (forever) comes back to me and tells me that i am important, that i was missed. I never say goodbye because i never want to. No matter how big the dispute is, the person itself is still more important.

I so wish that people who claim to be my friends will try (only try) to understand me.

"KANTON SE DIL LGAO JO TA-UMR REH SAKEN

PHOLON KA KIA JO SAANS KI GARMI NA SEH SAKEN"

New year 2009!!

So, this is going to be my first post of 2009.
I hope this year will prove to be a far better one than the last one....

I never make resolutions. Because i know i won't be able to keep them.
I just hope i will be a better human than i was at 31st december last year when this date comes again in 2009.

Wishing everyone and myself a very happy new year!!!

The sun will still rise!!

His time was quickly running out. He had to reach the seaside before dawn. He increased his pace and then decided to run to get there in time. He had always been fascinated by dawn, by the rising sun, by the first ray of sunlight. The ray which wipes away all darkness and which symbolizes hope. Despite all his attraction for dawn and sunrise, he had never been so regular in coming here. But two weeks back, everything had changed.

Two weeks back, he had realised that his life had betrayed him. And now, he wanted to or rather hoped to see all kinds of dawns that he would have seen if his life had not done this to him. He had always been the optimistic type, seeing all the bright sides of life.
But now, it was different.
This time, he himself was the victim.
Victim of betrayal...........

He was there now. Watching the waves splashing the beach. It was dark like his future prospects.
And then, the sun appeared on the horizon, wiping away all the darkness from the surroundings. But inside him, it was still pitch black.
No hope, no light, no dawn!!!

All his life, it had been drilled in his mind that life is very uncertain. That man is never sure even of his very next breath. And he hated words like unsure, uncertainty etc.

But now.....

Now he thought 'uncertainty' was a blessing. He knew what a curse it was to be sure when your life is going to end, to be able to count your remaining breaths, remaining days, remaining weeks or even years. But he knew that no years were left for him. Only six months.....
Or 24 weeks or 168 days....
Ahhh! even if he said 4032 hours....
That was not enough.
His plans were for a much longer life. For him, his life has just started.
His dream flight had just taken off and...
And some jerk in a white coat had given him a piece of paper telling him there was no fuel left for the journey.
He was no smoker, no drug addict. He had always taken good care of himself. But the GOOD LORD had somehow found a fault with him.........
So, his time was running out.

The sun was dominating now. The day was bright and sunny. He decided to go back home.

Home..........
Where all the important people of his life lived. His mom, dad, sisters, brother. People who were discussing his forth-coming marriage - two months later.
So far, he had been unable to muster enough courage to tell them the truth. The bitter truth that he was not going to marry afterall.
Because.....

Yes, because he was going to die after six months.
After 25 years of struggle, academic achievements, medals, certificates and finally a good job. His fate has chosen an early death for him.
He was at home and faked a smile for everyone else.

Sitting in his room, the scenes from dawn were still mocking him infront of his eyes. He thought he was fooling himself by going and watching all those sunrises everyday. He decided, he will see the sunset today for a change.
ATLEAST it was more like his life. Hopeless....promising nothing other than darkness.

He picked up the newspaper from the table thinking it might distract him from the present thoughts.
It was an old newspaper- some three weeks old. He already knew all the contents by heart. He had been blessed with a sharp memory.

Huh!!! it was of no use to him now.
Six months.......Phew!!!!!!! All will be over.

He read that already read article once again. He had not given much notice to it then. But this time, his thoughts were running wild.
It took just a split second for him to decide. He got up and went out. His destination was not too far from his home so he decided to go there on foot.
He was smiling because he had a purpose this time. After some 20 minutes, he was in the doctor's office. He told him what he had in his mind. The doctor was pleased and applauded his decision. He brought a form out from the drawer.
Azaan took some time filling it. He thanked the doctor and came back home.

He smiled and said Salam loudly to greet all his family. This time his smile brightened his eyes too.
In the evening, he told his brother first about his diagnosis of terminal cancer and then about the decision he had taken today.
His brother was shocked at first but slowly it all sinked in. He hugged Azaan tightly with tears shining in his eyes.





Five months passed in no time. He never missed a single dawn. The pain was unbearable for him now. He could barely walk. His brother always accompanied him now. He had spent the five months trying to see all he could have seen if he had some 30 or 40 years more to live.

The sun was rising and the waves were splashing. He was standing there waiting to greet the angels. He knew they were coming. But he was not hopeless......

Because he knew even when he would not be here physically, his eyes will still see the sun rise. His death will colour up the world for someone else.
He had always wanted to make a difference in the society, in people's life. He considered the mission accomplished now.

He knew the sun will still rise and brighten up the world. The dawn would still symbolize hope. His eyes may close, but not forever.
Yes, the sun will still rise and symbolize hope. He knew hope was eternal.


(Azaan had decided to donate his eyes to the blind to make a huge difference in someone's life. He died but made someone's else life worth living. A part of him will always live).

PS: I know the idea is a much talked-of one....but i wanted to write it because of some articles i read which really touched me. As a medical student the first thing our facilitators tried to make us realise was that death is the most difficult thing to deal with. What i feel makes us fear death is the realisation that as we will cease to exist in this world physically, our importance would be lost. We-as humans- want to feel important. We like to think that we are making a difference in people's life.
The biggest satisfaction can come in our life when we find out the real purpose of our being here in this world
The knowledge that even if we don't exist physically in the world, our spirit will be here and our deeds would make an everlasting difference in someone's life is indeed a boaster for the spirit.

"BADAN KI KHAK AKNHON KA PANI CHOR JAUNGA

MAI DARYA HUN BAHAO MAI RAWANI CHOR JAUNGA

MUJHE MALOOM HAI AKHIR TERI DUNIA SAY

CHAL JAUNGA PER APNI KAHANI CHOR JAUNGA

MAI KHUD KO MUNTAQIL KARDUNGA APNI ANEY WALI NASLON MAI

MAIN APNI APNEY BACHON MAI JAWANI CHOR JAUNGA"