The misery of missing......

This post is for all those people i cant stop missing, no matter how hard I try.

Well, in our life we come across a lot of people.....
some of them bring fun in our life and some of them are just there to irritate the hell out of us.
The people who are responsible for bringing trouble in our life whether intentionally or not are many. But the ones who hurt us the most (or atleast me) are those who come in our life for a few days or months and give us a lot of happiness but than suddenly without any apparent reason go out of it. A few days back i recieved an email that suggested that we should not carry the bitter moments of past with us...
it was a story of two chinese monks which i will share some other time...
The point is even if we do forget the bitter moments of the past, should we remember the good ones??
What kind of approach should we have when the most happiest moments of our past when remembered turn into a misery.

This is what happens when someone who was the cause of happiness for you suddenly is no more there. Death is a fact and so when our dear ones leave us, with the passage of time we accept that they are not any more in this world but just in our hearts.
They dont leave us on their will.
However their are some people (those who maybe are not aware that they are dear to someone) who without giving you any reason just end the relation you enjoyed for a long time.
There are many ways of telling someone that you are no more wanted.
Among these is the tactic of ignorance.
This means that ignore the person you dont want anymore around you and indirectly give him the message "go to hell".
Another is of arguing uselessly to irritate the other person so much that he starts hating you and the time you spend together.

Maybe i am an abnormally sensitive person who imagines every thing is going the wrong way.
But still this is the message some people are giving. I therefore do take some rash steps to avoid the mounting tension such poeple give me by just ending the relation myself. This is what i did this time. But the guilt and uneasiness i am feeling from the moment i took the decision without even saying bye is not a relief. SO, here i am blogging again...
just in case a friend accidently views this page, he would be able to understand my behaviour.

A message to a friend:
"Dear F!
The time we had was sure fun. I dont know what changed your behaviour but i do know that i tried and did ask for a reason. You never accepted that anything had ever gone wrong and i cant say it right when its not. So, whatever you may think about me...
i did what i thought was best i.e i really thought after such bitter talks as we used to have lately. there is no point in spoiling what good memories we had with increasing the bad ones.
i am sorry if i did anything that had hurt you. But it sure did hurt when i felt i no longer exist in your life as a friend. Please forgive me if i were wrong."




No matter how hard i try, i can never forget people who i considered at any point of my life as my friends. And when the friendship is no longer there...
it hurts a lot more....
i miss all those who are no more around me....whether intentionally or not.........

Elections..and hope!

So, the results of the eagerly awaited and long due elections are finally pretty clear to all of us.
The people of Pakistan have given their verdict. The PPPP emerged as a federal party as it was able to get votes from all the provinces while PML-N also got its share in Punjab and NA...
We are expecting to see a coalition government formed by PPPP and
PML-N in the near future.
The results were the same as were expected but the big suspicion was that the elections wont be free and fair.
As no major protests were registered other than a few cries by the supporters(which by the way were too few) and workers of the "badly punctured cycle", so it could be assumed that the major suspicion didnot turn out to be true. Although the pressure by the people and major political parties was the main force behind the conduction of free and fair elections we still should accept that our President did a good job as he realized there is no other way out of the situation. We are expecting to see Amin Faheem as our new Prime Minister.(May he do a good job and prove to be a good representative of our country). One still wonders what would it have been like if Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto was still among us. I have to admit i never was a big supporter of PPPP but still losing such a precious leader in a manner we lost her does hurt deeply. Moreover she had a certain charisma which the people of Pakistan will always miss.
The defeat of our very own Railway Minister ( you all know i am talking about Shiekhoo) and Ch. Shujaat from the areas they contested elections showed how much the people were frustrated with the previous government. The eight years are marked with many crisis that affected the masses quite badly.
May it be the natural disaster on oct 8, 05 and its aftermath...
or the recent crisis of flour, ghee and sugar....
the ever present inflation problem...
or the most irritating power problem ( we call it the WAPDA FACTOR)...
and many many more....
These all were not helpful in improving the bad image of the government in the eyes of people.

I read that many newspapers called the result of these elections "the indirect but decisive defeat of Pervez Musharraf" but
the very next day there was an article assuring Mr president the continuing support of US...
this hinted that we will have to see Mr Musharraf for some more coming years...
i think this is something which the people of Pakistan dont want.
The reason is that the wrong decisions by him have reached a higher number than the right ones.
To add salt to the injury all the wrong ones are the latest ones.
If Musharraf stays it will be against the wishes of Pakistani people and also of the about to form new government.....
On the other hand only external pressure can keep him on his seat after the elections which the press even called 'Mini referendum resulting in the rejection of Musharraf and his supporters by the people of Pakistan".

The winners of the election are making new promises claiming to ensure the freedom of judiciary and media...
the restoration of democracy and much much more..
these are quite usual but promises will not feed the poor masses of the country.
What is needed is that the new government ensures that the promises they make are fulfilled and not only the foriegn earnings increase...but the standard of living also improves by the time the new elections are near.
The people of Pakistan are easy to please....give them a faint ray of hope and their faces start shining with the dreams of a better life in future. It would be great if their dream turns into reality just for this once.

Before the time comes that the people of this country give up all the hope and surrender to the life full of many crisis, depression, corruption all around..... some miracle should change their lives so that they also have something to smile about.
Hoping that the recent elections would result in some kind of miracle and asking the losing parties to be graceful and sit in the opposition with dignity...
i would pray from the Almighty Allah that
"please make Pakistan a peaceful country and fill the lives of the people of this country which was made on the name of Islam with pleasures".
Ameen.

Depressed!!!!

ah!!!!!!
i hate my life.
i am struggling to break the shell which hides the real me from the rest of the world.
but everytime i try this....
something succeeds in stopping me to do so.
i dont know what the real reason is!
but, life these days just sucks!!
tensions everywhere...
i feel i am a failure
because i fail to satisfy those who matter the most...

here i am wasting my precious time on this blog which hardly will bring a change in my life.
maybe i am here to make some confessions...
yes, i really do hate my life.
i am not strong enough to end it.
i am not yet capable of changing it.
But i will change it someday...
my life hangs on just this one hope
that one day ill change the way i live...
ill replace the hatred around me with love.

my mind screams!!
can i succeed???
can the hatred ever be replaced?
i dont think so...
this feeling of hopelessness is all what i can see around...
i have no way to accomplish what i want to...
things distract me..
events distract me...
everything distracts me...
i dont know where my power of concentration has gone!
i cant explain my state to anybody.

no one is aware of the real me...
and i know that no one will ever bother to try to break the shell i am in....
there is the question of if they tried then will they succeed...
when i come to think about any person with whom i have shared all my secrets...
the answer is no such person exists.

All know tiny bits of me. not even i myself know all about me.
then how can i expect someone else to understand!

i am just typing senselessly
without any sense of what i am saying.
but it is helping me get over the frustration which keeps bothering me...

life sucks and unless a miracle changes everything around
i guess it will keep on doing so...
Oh!
HOW I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!

busy or not?

Life these days is quite strange. I feel i am very busy but at the end of every day i realise i have virtually done nothing. What am i actually busy in?????
The answer to this question is..............
i am busy in making and remaking of a suitable timetable for myself which never reaches the stage of implementation.
My days are spent in the corridors of my college bracing the never ending spell of severe colds and the rest in an academy where i guess i just go so that my father wont be able to save a penny or two ;-)
A so called crash is going on in which we are trying to accomplish the impossible task of covering the syllabus of the whole year in just two months. Lets hope ill gain something from that CRASH.
Any one who by mistake gets this webpage open and then has got enough time to actually read my ramblings here will think how i got the time of posting something after such a long period.To answer that, actually the funfair we'll be having tomorrow (it is especially arranged in the rainy season so that we can enjoy the most in the open) provided me with the opportunity of opening this long abandoned blog and type some of my frustration out.Wondering what frustration??Ahhhhhhh!
My stupid, stupid and careless friend asked me to come online especially to discuss our entertainment plan for tomorrow i.e the big day (funfair- as its the only event ever to take place in our great college). And now i have been waiting for almost half an hour and no sign of her. i should call her...or atleast message her.
But how??????
i am missing my cell.
i am hunting for the thief.:-(
and i am praying my dad would realise that how important a cell phone is for me.
Daddy...if you ever read this....kindly realise the misery i am in and help me by some fund ;-)

should have told you how my nights are spent!!!
half of them are spent in the most interesting job of listening to my daddy's lectures on how important this year is for my career and how i am spoiling my career by my non serious attitude and the rest in that time table business.
busy days???
yeah busy nights too!!
i am going to wake her whole household now by calling via landline...
W!!!!!!
BE READY FOR THE VERBAL ABUSE BY ME!!
and you deserve it!!!
huh!!!

my "bongy"...

I want to do plenty,
But fail, as if my mind is empty.

I wonder why no one understands,
That i make a lot of plans.

All my planning goes in vain,
The reason is quite plain.

Although i plan a lot,
There is one thing i haven't got.

It is the drive to work hard,
Without which success is away, many a yard.

Nothing worth saying......

How was my day today?????????

Well well...this is a tough question.
It started quite nicely. I woke up when i wanted to. No one tried to interrupt me in my dreams. This makes me really happy. Nothing worth mentioning occured afterwards till i turned my pc on. Had a relaxing chat with a very nice friend. Its always fun to have a talk with him. He gives very sincere advice. And he is probably the only one with whom i can talk freely without hesitation and be confident to get a sincere advice. Well i would like to say thanks B. I hope u know i am thanking you. ;-)
You have always been great help.
So after that talk i opened my novel which i had been reading for a while. It was almost at the last stages. So i thought whatever it takes i'll read it all today. I did, but the ending was not what i expected. I know the world is not always good and its not usually happiness all around. But still i feel good when every body is happy at the end. It makes me feel optimistic about my life.
I had a headache then and i thought i should post what i feel. It also helps me relax. I got a bonus today. I am talking to B and typing here. The headache has just vanished. :)
I told him he is a medicine.
Well now he is gone. So i am alone with my thoughts. Today i also had a long talk with one of my school time buddy. She is a sweetheart. She was so worried about the upcoming result that she just imagined that it has been announced on the site. I immediately checked and told her it was not announced yet. Even the date was not announced. She and i laughed heartily then.
And afterwards we were discussing the possibility of a good result by a miracle and then about the dreadful result we expected in real.
Yes. My exams didnot go well. They were dreadful. Actually i prepared as i always do but this time it didnt end well. Because the board was real cruel in making the question papers. They were a nightmare.
I did my best in attempting them. Now i am praying for the miracle. I hope i'll get good grades.
Well life has nothing new to offer these days. I will listen to the coverage of laal masjid issue and then i will go to sleep. Nothing new in that. Life is the same from almost seven days. Before that i kept myself busy just in reading. Now i save time for television too.
Well there is nothing more to tell right now.
So i'll beg leave.
Hoping for a better life ahead of me.

LAAL MASJID AND MY ONCE PEACEFUL ISLAMABAD!!!

So, i really forgot my blogs during exams. Even after the exams i could not think of something to write about. But finally i am back in form and will try to post regularly.
Life here in islamabad is pretty obvious these days. We, the izloo people nowadays are the focus of everyone. And that without the trouble of arranging any international conference or seminar. The laal masjid issue is getting on the nerves of every Islamabadi in particular and every Pakistani in general. Generally when someone asked me to describe islamabad, the first discriptive word that came to my mind was peaceful. Islamabad was always a peaceful city. The thrill loving people used to call it boring. But i always loved this city. But nowadays its a city whose people cannot sleep at night because of the firing exchanged between the laal masjid people and the security forces. In my eighteen years of life, this is the first time i am seeing this face of islamabad. One thing is very clear that islamabad can no more be considered a safe city. Its a wonder for everybody that how the people of this madrassah and mosque collected so much weapons that they are still fighting with 12000 security personals. Although we know that the forces are holding back from attacking the mosque due to the fear of losing so many lifes who probably are kept there as hostages to be used as a human shield when the need arises. Some people think that this is just a political drama played well by all the concerned parties.
Whatever it is, its making the citizens suffer. The people are terrified and are confined in their own houses. The summer vacations for which the children wait anxiously all the year, are now no fun at all. Most of all the markets and public places are deserted. The silent city roars with the noise of bullets and bombs but nothing else. Its been five days but no improvement at all. We are still standing on the same point- waiting for some miracle to solve the problem. The maulana Ghazi Rasheed changes his mind every hour. And apparently the government wants him to surrender unconditionally and is not ready to make hasty attempts to take control of the mosque. In my opinion this thing is going to be solved by exerting force and army action at the end. Because Ghazi Rasheed is not a man of his words and he is not concerned with the lives of innocent people. He is a selfish person who just wants exemption from the cases filed against him and a safe passage. If he was concerned with the lives of people he would not have been teaching students to use guns in the name of religious education and jihad. Whatever way the problem is solved i hope the minimum number of lives are lost and the issue ends without any controversy. The people of islamabad will always remember these days when they witnessed the war with the enemy within them. The Laal mosque issue is a blow to the image of Islam and madrassah's all over the country and even in the whole world. The Muslim world which is already suffering from the ill effects of 9/11 and 7/7 events and the suicide bombings carried by Al- Qaeda and Taliban, are going to suffer even more after this event. I, as a Muslim know that this is not the real Islam. People who kill their own people for their own personal gains cannot be Muslims. The literal meaning of Islam is peace. And the deeds of these peoples are condemned by every true Muslim. Jihad is the name of struggle- struggle for a better, peaceful world. It does not mean killing people without any motive. Killing innocent people in the name of jihad is an insult to the teachings of Islam. We have to fight against these evil forces to promote the true image of Islam all over the world.
This Lal mosque thing made me serious and sentimental. I am really depressed to see the city where i was born and have spent most of my life in this way. Where law and order was always maintained, now the army is patrolling. Its citizens are terrified and are hoping that they will be able to walk in the streets without any fear soon. That the government will take measures to prevent such an event from happening again. That the law and order will be restored again and the life will become normal. I strongly believe that people who project Islam in such a negative way should be dealt with strictness so that no one tries to make the mistake again.

Hoping for a better and peaceful solution of the problem with minimum possible bloodshed.