Little pleasures!

Somewhere in the midst of all the crazy drama that life is, we tend to forget what really matters. There was a time when life was simple and happiness was just an ice lolly away. As time passed by, things got more and more complicated.

As a child, my biggest challenge of the day was how to sneak out during day time to play outside. I mostly succeeded in slipping undeterred by the keen surveillance of my parents. Oh the terror! The whole 10-15 minutes away from my home in the scorching heat were considered a treat. Of course there were amazing loyal friends who would warn me as soon as my dad came out looking for me. I still fail to comprehend why i used to hide away as if i would never be found. My parents always would get hold of me, my head lowered in shame i would march back home while my friends gave me looks of pity. I would promise never to do it again, listen to an hour long lecture and then sit down for the homework. Dad would always bring back a treat for me as he felt guilty for scolding me and all was forgotten.

We would go for these evening walks every day to a nearby park and my mother would make me revise all the things learnt in school that day. We would go back home and fall asleep as soon as we got in to the bed. The most stressful part of school was obviously grammar lessons and a few older immigrant girls who would bully the little innocent girls that we were and snatch our lunch. We would go home tell our moms that we ate all of it ourselves. It was a happy outcome for everyone as without their help, who had the strength at our tender years to finish the lunch prepared by our over- enthusiastic-about-food desi moms.

With age came responsibility and with responsibility; stress!
At times I wonder, where is the girl whose biggest worry was the use of helping verbs, how to avoid the big bully girl and how to get out of the main door of the house without making that annoying squeaky noise. In her place is a rapidly aging woman  (that part's way too scary), worried about career and deadlines. Gone is the happiness that came with the sound of the ice lolly guy or a simple good grade in a test. Now even at a happy moment, the mind is busy reminding one of the gazillion things that need be done and the very little time there is to do it.

The problem is not that I have grown old, or that i have a great deal to do, The real predicament is the fact that the stress to do all of that, to achieve all that the world expects of me and the race against time to do it in a given time is so completely consuming that it takes away the ability to enjoy the same little pleasures that brought great joy and happiness.

So this all consuming greed to achieve, to be ahead of the rest has taken over the simple joys of life, Lets hope i can once again learn to live in the moment; to look forward and work for a better future while also making sure that the present is not ruined for a future that is uncertain and unsure.

Being thankful!

Life is so fast paced these days that its hard to keep up. Its as if I am standing still and time is just passing by; or maybe not. Well, it feels wierd coming back to this blog after so long. Wierder still is the fact that i didnot come here to vent out my frustrations as was the norm a couple of years back! Its not like i abandoned it completely. I used to come now and then, just to remind myself of the times gone by. I just did not declare my presence because i simply had nothing to say. Nothing at all!!

Much has changed. The five years of medical school are over and so is the one torturous year of housejob (I may write in detail some day about life as a house officer). I am at a stage in my career where i feel exhausted but then realise the real struggle has just started. Not a moment passes without me thinking about the many things that need to be done, the many targets that need to be achieved. 

I am optimistic about the future despite the hardships that await me. No matter what the world says, deep down i know i have chosen the right thing. I know that i can work for it. I know the toughest part is over not because its going to be easy from here on, but because i know making the choice was the hardest. Its the setting of the target which is of paramount importance because after that, all that remains is to work in order to achieve it. 

Being in medical profession is such a blessing! Because every day it makes me feel more thankful for each and every thing that I have. It makes me realise that my problems are nothing compared to the agony others are going through.  

I am thankful indeed for everything that i have. And for what i dont have now, i will either get it or else it was never meant for me. And if it was never meant for me then surely its for my own good!

Exam Time..............

Yes it is that time of the year again!!
The time when you are too sleepy to study and then once you decide to sleep and have some rest, too tense to sleep!!
The Proff is back and as usual it has brought with it the many horrors of prep leaves.

As per my previous record, i have made a schedule that was flexible enough to start with, failed to keep up with it and remade it again and eventually given up on it. Now, i am back to the tried and tested method of Do-whatever-you-can-whenever-you-can and cram as much as possible.

So, i open up pathology, take an oath to complete a chapter before getting up and doing ANYTHING ELSE and end up taking a break to refresh myself after the very first few pages. I decide that this thing would need some time, give it happily and then get all tensed that i have spent too much time on one thing.

I try my luck with Community medicine, thinking it should be easy as i enjoyed studying it during the clerkship, realize i have actually forgotten every thing and panic even more.

Then, moving on to E.N.T, i assume (wrongly again) that i must remember something as it was the very last thing i did in college and gave an exam about (the so-called pathology IPE in my opinion does not qualify for anything remotely similar to Exam, it being a total disaster), but here again i am to be disappointed by my totally unreliable brain.

After all these major setbacks and disappointments, my optimism has not yet gone away. I am sticking to this hope that the excellent eye clerkship must have left some lasting impression on my nervous system and that i might be able to make a better progress on it. So far, i have been unable to gather enough courage to test myself (and my erroneous assumptions) on that.

Lets just hope that in this case too, anticipation would be worse than reality and after all the pre-ponement and horrible internals and pathetic IPE's, we will still make it inshaAllah. :)

Wishing all my class a very very good luck for their 3rd Proff and it's preparation.

P.S: This post was written as i was too sleepy to study and too tense to sleep. :P
So, any grammatical or spelling errors must be excused. :)

Changed!!

Time flies past us and it changes us in ways we would have never thought possible. We-humans- at times are arrogant enough to assume that nothing could possibly change us......

It's just about time we realize how wrong we are in our baseless assumptions....

Because even if we don't change; people do.

And they force us to do the same in one way or other.

The ironic part is that when these very people have changed you to an extent that you don't even remember your previous self accurately, when you think you had been like this from the very start, they start complaining about the change.

It is so difficult at times to accept that the very people for whom you changed yourself, are not pleased with the outcome.

I, for one, have had enough experience of changing myself in to twisted forms for people and that too against my better judgement at times.

Sometimes, you know from the very start that you are fighting a lost battle. That you will lose whatever little you had in the end too. But still, some inside force makes you go through the act. It makes you think you will succeed where others have failed.

Oooh! whatever! I just have lost it completely. I even don't remember how i used to write blog posts. I think i will have to start getting used to the feeling of having all my emotions bottled up inside me. So, this little pleasure of life has been taken away from me as well...

What have i done wrong to deserve this?

That i will never ever learn to shut up at the right moment. Yes, that will be it.

I wish the debater in me would die soon too. When so much has changed over the passage of a year (or may be more) according to the claims i have been hearing, then why not this little habit.

Here it is! Another of my precious nights of exam preparation wasted. Thanks to people who think they are being nice enough to leave me so that i can enjoy myself in my own little world.

I was such an idiot to have ever believed in people. I should have never ever left my dream world. It was all too perfect. Who cares if i would have ended up in a mental asylum? Who cares if i would have become demented enough not be able to recognize my self properly.

Who am I anyway?

A Nobody in so many ways. Its almost as if i don't exist.

It just that no matter what you do, its never enough. For me, it has always been the life story. The very essence of it. Try as i might, i will never do enough.

For myself, for my parents, for the people i love!!!!!!!

You are not doing enough, Eraj!

Eraj! you could have done so much better.

You are not really trying.

You never understand.

These will kill me one day. Not a myocardial infarction or stroke.... NO!!

This will.

I wish there was a place i could stay alone for a long time. Really alone. That is what i want. I want people to leave me alone and get the hell out of my sphere...

Get the hell out of my mind too. I want my mind to go blank...

Oh Mr Dementia! Why don't you come already.

Please be quick...i have been waiting since too long.

This headache was bugging me since so long. I was hoping it will go away on its own. I had no idea it will get worse with the passage of time. I had no idea, it was a warning sign for me to go sleep or else disaster will strike.

Now, it will be a lot of PRECIOUS TIME wasted before i get back to my senses.

Thank you for letting me know that i was not WANTED at just about the right time.

P.S: I had been worried sick about why i was not writing any more. I had no idea until now that the reason i had been avoiding this very loved blog of mine was not just the ridiculously busy life i lead. It was also that i had not been driven mad to AN extent so that i could leave everything that i had to do and start typing away my frustration! A friend in need is a friend indeed. It has just struck me that my best friends are my very own thoughts and no one else. Regardless of the fact that its pure torture to revisit my crazy thoughts, at times they are my only solace. My only escape from the horribly unpleasant present and the entirely unappealing future.

Vacations... :)

So much to do, and so little time....

So many plans and no implementation....

That has been the story for quite a time now.

The much awaited vacations are half gone and i haven't yet rested enough.

I haven't even started the revisions i had planned and other tasks like arranging my cabinets (may it be for clothes etc or my books and the piles and piles of notes i have) into some degree of order.

What are two weeks of holidays in comparison to months worth of left out topics, piled up mess and lost hours of sleep!!

I will try to catch up with them as well but for now i have my breakfast waiting.... and facebook....and....maybe TV :P

Life....

So much is happening around us these days.......

Floods, brutality, insensitivity, mismanagement and a lot more....

I have to admit, when i heard about the 'sialkot incidence', i was numb for so many hours even days.

I am still shocked at how quickly i recovered and even forgot the initial jolt that rocked me when i first heard the news.

Is this the Pakistan i was proud of?

Oh no...i am still proud of my motherland.

But are these the people, the Pakistanis, who i thought were a great nation??

How am i still roaming around, smiling, laughing, living a normal life when someone who had an equal right to live was murdered in such an inhuman way...

no words are strong enough to describe the brutal act that was committed and that too from people who call themselves Muslims and Pakistanis....

If a glass slips from my hand the crashing sound it makes with the floor makes me wince as if it was hurt. Its a very normal, human response. Although, its not a living thing, and it will not experience any pain, my next step would be to pick it up, look for any scratches, breaks etc. Now if that glass or whatever it was is of some value to me, i might hope i haven't broken it and if i have caused any damage, i will feel really really bad.

Now, what if i am angry and i am holding something. My anger could drive me to throw whatever i am holding. This is also a normal human response. That is why anger is not good.

But after a while, when i am feeling a little normal again, i will realize what i have done.

Now, if my anger was justified i might not regret what i did if the thing is of no great value or if i didn't cause any damage. But if it was valuable and i broke it in my anger, i will regret my outburst.

Regret, once again is normal for humans.

And what if i realize, my anger was not even justified. That i actually had no reason whatsoever for being angry.

My regret now would be immense.

Well, these people whoever they are not only committed an unforgivable act in their anger (or so they claim), they also have no regrets at all.

They think they are justified in beating two humans to death!!!

Not being concerned about the irreparable damage you caused to two precious lives is not human.

Not regretting the act after you know the angry outburst was not justified is not human.

Defending your inhuman act is.........i seriously don't know what!!!

To top it all off, it happens in Ramadan- the holiest of all months!!

I keep on listening to meaningless words like justice..

Their is no justice in this world at least for Mughees and Muneeb.

And may their family and parents be given more strength then they already have, and may they get rewarded for their Sabr. (Ameen)

Rains have caused havoc all over Pakistan.

Leaving the disgusting facts (like from where the extra water came, and who did what to save whose property) for some other time or for the anchors who have to earn their livings by breaking depressing news and stories.....

I just pray to Almighty Allah to please help us all.

Ya Ilahi, hum teri is aazmaish key laiq he nahi, Tu hume aisi aazmaish me na daal key jis pe hum pura he nahi utar saktey, aur Aye mere Rabb ul kareem, tu mere hum watno ko is museebat se nikal, aur hume taufeeq ata kar key hum is babarkat mahiney me unki madad kar saken, Aur humarey naam nihad leaders ko hidayat dey, key is baar wo apne bharey hue bank accounts aur kabhi na khatm hone wali properties ko mazeed brhaney ki bajaye, unki madad karen k jinho ne ghalti he se sahi, unhe apna leadrer chuna. (Amen)

And now i go to get ready for college hoping i will see some interesting cases at my last day of off-campus rotations!!!

i came here just to thanks BLOGGER for finally signing me in so that i can sign out again....

HUh....

here i was happy thinking about a random loooong post after such a looooooong time...

and blogger helped me ruin my day at the very beginning...

Thanks indeed!!

I have to go press my clothes and get ready for college.... :(

Better luck next time...

Poor me!!

*weeps*

*sighs*